Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Debut Post: He writes... About His Daydreams, His Dreams, Someone Else's Dream Boy and His Other Nasty Nightmares (come to pass)!

It’s always the same dream. Me, Kobby. Walking through the doors of Glitz Magazine, of course, with my assistant trailing behind as she reads out my schedule.

But then I wake up, and I realize I’m no Miranda Priestly. Or even the Kobby I dream of becoming. I sigh. And get on with my day… which isn’t always worth relating…

Today, I plan to write, plan to bare my soul (if I have any at all) to you all:

My life isn’t perfect. It once was, I should lie to you. But now it isn’t. I used to be a happy child. Or at least, not this sad.––

“Kobby, wake up! You are late for school. Or at least, the school you would have gone to if you had better grades.”

That’s my mum sniggering behind the door. It’s not like I failed my WASSCE exam or anything. (Neither is it a school day––she’s been waking me up this way since ten!). But for my mum, if you didn’t make it into Legon what’s the point in not hanging yourself or––“Throwing me a pillow so I suffocate you.” she so treacherously puts it.

You see, my mum isn’t who you’d call the conventional mum. We do not admit it, but we are all scared of her. This was a woman who raised five boys, passing them with vivid, graphic threats of spray-painting their bloods on the walls with her machine gun if they didn’t cooperate. Back when we were young, we were scared shitless because we didn’t know she had no such weapon. Now we are old, and didn’t put it past her to be in the possession of an unlicensed M16. The woman could make my dad wet his bed––and it really isn’t because she’d ever stimulate him. But frankly, I see why my dad would wet his bed when this woman decided years ago she was done with sex!––

Father: (furiously) What do you mean you are done with sex?

Mother: Seriously, do you not realize your Get Up and Go has got up and gone?!

Father: I am only fifty!

Mother: And I am Nikki Minaj!

(Father: Nikki whaaaaa???

Mother: Oh, forget it!)––

So anytime my mother raps at my door, I jump, and so does all my brothers and father. After yelling out what we are all supposed to accomplish in the department of house chores, she goes back into her room to flip through her old issues of Cosmo. Kobby duty: Tidy up the kitchen. Kwame duty: Sweep the compound. Kojo duty: All the rooms in the house, tidy them! Isaac duty: The toilets are all yours, a holiday for you since you spend a helluva time on them anyway. Father duty: Oh, for once, ‘rise up to the occasion’!

Right after she shuts the door, everyone turns to me with puppy eyes, even my dad. And I can’t ever say no, because everyone secretly hates someone who always says no.––

Adwoa: My dad always says no to me.

Me: You really do hate him, don’t you?

Adwoa: No.

(I secretly hate Adwoa).––

So that’s how I spend the hours doing all their chores. Even sparing three minutes for solo (rising up to the occasion) just to make my dad keep me in his will.
So now you know my family isn’t your averagely sane Ghanaian family. They are all nuts, except me (––really, why should it always take one to know one?).

Today, I plan to write, plan to bare my soul (if I have any at all) to you all:

But perhaps, I am trying to find that happiness just like the other billions of us on this planet. I’m just trying to accomplish my dreams (hopefully, before I am twenty)––

Ping. Ping.

Social Media is going to be the end of me! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google Plus, Pinterest, Tumblr, LinkedIn (as Editor-in-chief of Glitz, I wish! I really, really do).
I have received notifications. One two, three, four, a billion, a gazillion… oh, I have lost count! Why I let social media rule my life is beyond me. Among all these notifications are private messages. Lots of them.

Andrew: Kobby, really you posted a pic on Facebook baring your flat-chest!! Some of us have a future ahead of us we can’t wait to live, and you choose to weigh upon us this torment??! ;o––

Let me introduce you to Andrew. My constant Frenemy. To say he pisses me off is an understatement. That boy gets hold of my nerves and transmits faulty radio signals on them. But no one hurts you without your permission, innit? So I ignore him.

Freda: Kobby, really, why can’t I ever find true love! :( ––

Because you are not bent on helping me find true happiness!! Freda is my closest friend. But her questions on love and dumping on me all her broken heart issues is going to drive me to drink (if not gain a million hits on YouTube for Boy Who Gets Mad After Enduring So Much). I type a fast response:

Kobby→Freda: You are a beautiful girl. And some day, the right guy would come along. J

I scroll through the endless list of messages from friends who are either pissing me off (Andrew: So you won’t take down that picture!!) or won’t stop pissing me off (Andrew: When you are told to do something, listen!). I stop on the dim blue highlight that has captured EwuraEsi’s name in my Facebook inbox and a smile breaks out through the scowl (inadvertently caused by Andrew).

EwuraEsi is the one till today, I call my bestest friend. Oh, she’s really the best! Heaven-sent! She’s the only one I can ever come undone with pouring out all my woes and dreams while chucking in Southern Fried Chicken (coming out of her purse).––
So you should know how gutted I was when I clicked the message in my inbox and saw:

EwuraEsi: Hi, Kobs, I know I should have told you sooner. But I am in love with you. ;)

Hehe. As if! That would never happen a decade though a part of me wishes she really did have feelings for me so for once in my lifetime, I’d give the infamous We Can Only Be Friends speech every boy seems to have given except me!
So actual message…

EwuraEsi: Hi Kobs, I know I should have told you sooner. But I am no more in Ghana. Good luck with your dreams.

Today, I plan to write, plan to bare my soul (if I have any at all) to you all:

Oh, to hell with all this! So much sadness on this planet! I am Kobby, and I used to be a happy child!

(While I am in the saddest mood, I am putting up this opportunity for you reading this post to snap GHC 10 worth of credit by commenting on this post. :) Please include your email or any contact information you find relevant for me to reach you).


  1. Well....honey...what a life you have I guess...I mean your mum knows nikki minaj...thats like the coolest thing ever!!! Does she threaten to twerk too??? If perhaps you forget to scrub? P.s...the lets be friends speech?? Trust me..its a girls thingy. Tigo;-)

    1. Haha Wilma!

      It's really now a boy's age and we are making you girls pay for all the torment you have put us through. (It doesn't matter that we are still paying, literally. Ouch). My mum does know how to tweak She once brought up a chart on which part of her buttom Nikki cannot twerk to (with lots of facts and figures!)

      And Thanks for stopping by!

      Don't we all heart Tigo? ♡


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